when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
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You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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