Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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