I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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