seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
