Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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