I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
