she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
