i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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