The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
