new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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