Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
