That's when you crack a 10am beer
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
