Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
