i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
