I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
