I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
