drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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