I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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