what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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