Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
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what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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