sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
