i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
