Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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