Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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