did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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