DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
