Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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