We named our party play list daddy issues
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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