So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
