if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Houston, we have a squirter
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
