Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
