my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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