Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
