Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
he shaved USA in his pubs
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
