when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
