I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
