You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
