My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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