She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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