That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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