Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
