guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
