My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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