In the future we'll all be gay
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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