I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
