I think i sorta joined a cult last night
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
