there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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