there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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