I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
