Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
