i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
