Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
