i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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