Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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