I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
