Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
