I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
