I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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