Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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